


Per Aspera

by sohardtopickaname



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet, Conversations, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Forgiveness, Friendship/Love, Gen, Reconciliation, Repaying Debt, mostly canon-compliant (but Jaime's alive)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-03-13 21:39:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18949171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohardtopickaname/pseuds/sohardtopickaname
Summary: Samwell Tarly is summoned to King's Landing to treat the injured and Brienne is charged with ensuring his safety on the road, all while knowing that Jaime is there, alive yet only barely.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

\- My Lady, what happened?

Sansa silently walked past Brienne into the room, a fur coat carelessly hanging off her shoulders, only a thin nightdress beneath.

\- Please close the door, - she said as soon as she threw the coat on a chair and sat on Brienne’s bed.

Brienne obliged, then added another log to the fading fire, lit a candle, put it on the table, moved the chair with Sansa’s coat on its back closer to the bed and sat on the edge.

\- She burned the city? – Brienne asked in a choked voice.

\- Yes. Thousands of people are dead, tens of thousands injured.

\- Your brother and sister?

\- Alive, both of them, but I don’t know... Tyrion wrote to me, not Jon. I don’t know why Jon didn’t, - she almost let out a sob but managed to stay composed. – Anyway, Tyrion asked to send medical supplies and Samwell Tarly to King’s Landing, urgently, because they do not have a single competent maester at the moment. Qyburn is dead too.

\- Will you?

\- I must. And you must ensure his safety along the way.

\- I can’t leave you here alone, my Lady, I swore...

\- An oath, yes, an oath of service. And this is the service I am asking for.

\- Very well then. I assume Maester Sam knows already?

\- Of course. The raven has just arrived, and he had enough sense to wake me up immediately.

Brienne nodded.

\- Then we will depart at dawn. Podrick will stay behind, he may not be of much help as far as providing council, but you can rely on him for protection.

\- Thank you. I know you have trained him well, - Sansa paused. – Brienne, there is something else you should know. Cersei is dead and...

\- And so is Ser Jaime, - Brienne finished the sentence, her face an impenetrable mask.

\- That would not be much of a complication, - Sansa was speaking slowly now, as if reluctant to utter what she was about to say. – The thing is, he is alive. Barely, but alive. At least he was when Tyrion was writing to me.

Brienne let out a sigh and turned away, staring into the darkness.

\- Arya, of all people, - said Sansa in response to the question Brienne did not dare ask. – I don’t know why or how. I know though that Daenerys is a little preoccupied at the moment and her people there are sick of killing, so nobody is interested in finishing off an injured cripple. But nobody wants to take care of him either, so...

Brienne listened intently, stayed silent for a few moments, thinking, and finally spoke.

\- My Lady, I have a request to make. If Ser Jaime is still alive by the time we arrive in King’s Landing and if there is no danger to you or your home, may I stay in King’s Landing for the time necessary to nurse him back to health?

\- You are asking my permission to take care of him? – there was disbelief in Sansa’s voice.

\- Yes, my Lady.

\- After he left... Winterfell?

\- Yes, my Lady. You probably wanted to say “after he left you”, of course, our... relationship was hardly a secret to anyone in the castle, least of all to you.

\- This is what I meant, yes, - Sansa sounded annoyed by Brienne’s directness, - How can you possibly still care?

\- I owe him a debt of life, - Brienne said simply. – It takes precedence over...

\- What if I do not grant you that permission? – Sansa interrupted sharply.

\- Then I will have no choice but to return to your service, my lady, as soon as I deliver Samwell Tarly to King’s Landing, - she said firmly, her voice cold.

\- Thank you, Brienne, this was important for me to hear. Of course, you have my permission to stay there as long as necessary, provided that Winterfell is safe.

\- Thank you, lady Sansa.

Sansa stood up.

\- I believe you must pack and prepare for the journey now. I will make sure you have a hot meal before departure.

\- Thank you, - Brienne bowed her head slightly.

As Sansa walked out, she sat on the bed and closed her eyes for a moment. Alive. Barely. Quite possibly won’t live long enough for her to hold his hand one last time. Still, alive. Brienne was surprised that tears did not come; there was just a dull feeling of sickness and fear in her stomach. She stood up, washed her face quickly, drank the remaining water from the pitcher, combed her hair back and dressed for the road. She then made the bed, strapped the sword to her belt, packed a change of clothes and a few necessities. Then she woke up Podrick, pretending that she had not noticed two naked girls sleeping in his bed or the empty wine pitcher on his table, dragged him into the corridor, gave him instructions and made him repeat them back to her. Trying not to think about what he could have possibly been doing with _two_ girls at once, she checked on the horses, both the ones she was going to ride herself and the ones to pull Sam’s cart, and made sure they had enough food to reach the nearest inn while Sam was checking the books, bags of herbs and bottles of ointments they were taking with them.

\- Give my regards to Tyrion, will you? – said Sansa, shivering in the courtyard, still only in her nightdress under the coat.

\- Of course, my Lady.

\- And write to me. I trust you to tell the truth without putting anything dangerous on paper.

Brienne nodded. It was still dark and eerily quiet in the courtyard, almost as quiet as it was on the night Jaime left. She heard the wildling girl sobbing into Sam Tarly’s chest and she heard Sam whispering something soothing into her ear. While the news did not make her want to cry, perhaps she just wasn’t awake enough when Sansa broke it to her, it took all the strength she had not to shed a tear now.  

Pod noticed, of course, he could read her better than anyone, sometimes even better than Jaime. He walked over to her, ostensibly intending to help with the horse, and squeezed her fingers for a brief second, something he had never done before but somehow knew he could get away with this time. She thanked him with her eyes, then took him aside and in a stern voice commanded him to avoid getting drunk and to keep his sword sharp at all times. He smiled and promised.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road is long, it is hard not to talk.

Sam looked worn and stooped, cheeks slightly drooping.

\- We are staying at the inn tonight, - said Brienne.

\- There are injured people waiting, - Sam meekly tried to protest.

\- Yes, and they all need a maester who can help them, not another sick man to tend to. You must sleep on a soft bed and have a hot meal.

\- Don’t you?

She shrugged.

\- I could do without, but I will certainly enjoy it. But we’ll have to share a room, I’m afraid – I cannot leave you unprotected at night.

\- I doubt anyone would be interested in me, - he managed a smile.

\- You would be surprised, - Brienne replied, her face serious, - Your dress and your chain tell enough of a story for someone to become interested.  

***

The food was decent; the pie even tasted as if it had a shred of meat in it. There was only one bed in the room but enough space on the floor for Brienne to stretch her body fully, her bedroll close enough to the fireplace to keep her warm. It was difficult for both of them to fall asleep right away, so they were just lying in the darkness and looking at the flames, quiet and peaceful.

\- You’ve known Ser Jaime Lannister for a long time, haven’t you? – Sam’s voice yanked her out of the lethargic state she had fallen into.

\- Yes, quite, - Brienne stiffened. – Why?

\- I have just been thinking about him. From what I know, he seems to be in a dire state and if he lives until we arrive, I will have to start treating him right away.

\- Do you know what kind of injury he has?

\- According to his brother, he has been stabbed, lost a lot of blood, and then his legs got crushed. He was in a tunnel that collapsed on him. It seems to be a miracle that he lived at all. His sister didn’t.

\- Do you think he might make it? – she asked, her voice too calm and casual.

\- Hard to say before I see him, really. Can you tell me about him?

She paused before speaking.

\- Ser Jaime Lannister of Casterly Rock, son of Tywin Lannister...

\- No-no, not those things. That does not matter. I mean, what kind of man he is, that sort of thing. I thought you should know him pretty well. You vouched for him at the trial, he knighted you, you know.

_He does not know_ , the thought hit her. For some reason, Samwell Tarly has been oblivious to the facts and gossip surrounding Jaime’s short stay in Winterfell. It made sense, of course: he had been busy tending to the wounded after the battle, and he was of house Tarly, not a person to be particularly interested in gossip about Sansa Stark’s sworn sword.

\- May I ask for the reason you are asking?

\- Well, in cases like this it is important to know the person suffering. Is he a fighter? Does he have something to live for, you know?

It was a chance, Brienne realized. A chance to tell his story, _their_ story, to someone who does not know it at all. It was also a choice. A choice to skip the parts that hurt most, to not, for once in weeks, maintain composure through another pitiful look. She made her choice.

\- We met in Robb Stark’s camp. He was a prisoner, kept alive only to prevent his father from going against Robb. I was a sworn sword of Lady Catelyn Stark back then. One day, he attempted to escape and killed a Karstark in the process. He was sure to have been killed, but the Stark daughters were still in King’s Landing, and Lady Catelyn was afraid of what Tywin Lannister could do to them upon learning about his son’s death. She made him swear to return the girls and sent me to escort him to King’s Landing, - she stopped to catch a breath.

\- I heard... I heard rumors about him and his sister. The letters from Stannis Baratheon...

\- ... were hateful but true, - Brienne sounded bitter now. – I mentioned that he killed a Karstark, but he was a guard. It is somewhat... normal, or at least expected, to kill a guard when trying to escape, is it not?

Sam nodded, even though he wasn’t sure she could see him in the darkness.

\- Well, he also killed a Lannister, his own cousin, just to distract the guard.

Sam was silent.

\- All that just because he was desperate to get back to his sister, - she forced herself to say.

\- Does not seem like someone you would vouch for.

\- No, he doesn’t, - she smiled bitterly, - I would have laughed at the mere thought of it back then.

\- So something happened later?

She nodded.

\- Quite a few things. I mean, the first weeks of our journey were rather uneventful. We had to be discreet, so we traveled through the forests. He teased me as much as he could, mostly about my appearance. I did not have the wit to talk back really, I was no match to him in that kind of fight.

She sat upright, stood up and shuffled the logs in the fireplace, then sat back on her bedroll, her arms around her knees.

\- Then we were captured. A blame to share, really. I refused to kill a farmer who recognized Ser Jaime and thus gave him a chance to sell us to the Bolton soldiers, and he stole my second sword and tried to fight me on a bloody bridge where people could see us from miles away. By the way, he didn’t manage to beat me, for all his bragging about being the best swordsman in the Seven Kingdoms, - she couldn’t help a proud smile, but it quickly receded.

She paused, sighed deeply, and continued.

\- That night, those soldiers tried to... to force themselves on me. But Jaime made up a nice little story about my father being the owner of the richest sapphire mines and about how he would pay my weight in sapphires for my safe return home, provided that my honor was unbesmirched. And that stopped them.

\- Tarth is known as the Sapphire Isle, - said Sam softly.

\- Yes, everyone knows that, but Ser Jaime also knew that there were no sapphires on Tarth. Tarth has never been a rich land, although its waters can be argued to be a most beautiful sight, - she smiled, remembering. – They let me go, just like that, because they believed him. About the sapphires – that same night, he tried to bribe them into letting him go, and that did not go so well. Locke, their commander, or whatever he was, got angry and cut his hand off, his _swordhand_ , and hanged it on his neck as a reminder.

\- But why did he help you? You said he was trying to escape just before you were captured.

\- I asked him that question. He did not respond. Back then, I could not understand.

\- Do you understand now?

\- I think I do, - she said slowly. – It was not about helping _me_. It was about protecting the innocent. You know, what a knight is supposed to do.

\- In the name of the Mother... – Sam sing-songed quietly.

\- Yes.

\- How does it feel to be the first female knight? – he asked suddenly, - Or the only female knight of the Seven Kingdoms, rather?

\- I honestly don’t know. My life did not change much, - she paused, - I mean, it did, but not because of that.

\- Sorry, I interrupted you.

\- It’s fine.

\- So what happened next? After they... maimed him?

\- We traveled for days after that. The stump got infected, naturally. Quite badly. And they didn’t let me ride with him, so he fell off the horse too. I thought... I feared he was dead for sure. But then we arrived in Harrenhal. Roose Bolton was not as stupid as his men, of course, he knew how much Jaime Lannister’s life truly cost, and he had a very skilled maester. Ever heard of Maester Qyburn?

\- Who didn’t? – Sam shivered.

\- But he knew his trade.

\- And that was it? Bolton just sent you two to King’s Landing?

Brienne stayed silent for a while, looking at the burning wood.

\- Not before we managed to talk. I mean, in private, when no one could overhear us. He told me how he became the Kingslayer. He was in pain, in fever, and we were both... let’s say the context was not exactly the one in which he would be likely to tell lies.

\- Can you tell me? – almost a whisper.

\- I don’t think he has ever told anyone else, and I have never intended to, either. But if you are saying you need to understand him in order to help him...

\- I think I do, - he nodded.

\- Then I should. It is important. As you know, it is no secret that the Mad King was, well, _mad_.

\- I’ve heard stories.

\- Perhaps not all of them. Jaime said he liked watching people burn. But not just his enemies, or rather, he thought that everyone was an enemy. He hid wildfire everywhere, in the tunnels under the entire city. When he realized that Tywin Lannister betrayed him, he ordered Jaime to bring his father’s head to him and to burn the entire city. _The entire city_.

\- The innocents.

\- Yes.

\- Funny things, oaths.

\- What? – Brienne looked at Sam in surprise.

\- I’ve been in the Night’s Watch, you know.

\- I’ve heard, yes.

\- _I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children_ , - he recited.

\- Gilly?

\- She is with child now. But it wasn’t even that when I first met her, I just knew I had to try and save her and little Sam. I mean, he wasn’t even Sam then, just another would-be White Walker.

\- That’s what Jaime said once, back in Robb’s camp, - she said thoughtfully. - That there are too many oaths and too many duties and that a man cannot stay honorable amidst them all. His only source of pride then was being faithful to his sister.

\- I think I can understand that, in a way.

\- I think I can understand it too, now.

She stood up again and put more wood into the fire.

\- Then we arrived in King’s Landing. By that point, Lady Catelyn was dead, Arya missing, and Sansa wed to Tyrion. Then King Joffrey died at his wedding. Naturally, Sansa and Tyrion became suspects before he drew his last breath. Sansa fled King’s Landing with Littlefinger, and Tyrion had to flee too, I think not without Jaime’s help. Ser Jaime gave me proper armor, a good horse, and his own sword. Well, and Podrick, - she couldn’t help a smile, remembering the lad’s face upon meeting her. – I left, having promised to find Sansa and keep her safe. To fulfill the promise to Lady Catelyn for both of us.

She stared at the fire again.

\- I think there was something else you haven’t told me. Of course, I can’t...

\- Yes, - she sighed. – There is something.  

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brienne and Sam finish their conversation and later arrive in King's Landing.

\- You guessed correctly, - finally said Brienne. - Roose Bolton did not _just_ let us go to King’s Landing. He sent Ser Jaime there alone, properly escorted, although not in chains. Not that Jaime did not try to ask him to send me along with him, no. He asked but was promptly reminded about what may happen if he tries to overplay his position again, so I was left in Harrenhal for... entertainment.  
\- Did they... - Sam choked on his question.  
\- No, they wouldn’t need me for that in Harrenhal. The brothels there were well-staffed, all the whores much prettier than I am, naturally, - she paused. - They had a better plan. They gave me a wooden sword and put me into a bear pit.  
\- A wooden sword?!  
\- They only had one bear, - a bitter smile appeared on Brienne’s lips. - Anyway, all I know is that that night I was in the pit, already without a sword and with a few quite deep cuts, when Ser Jaime grabbed my arm and shoved me behind himself.  
\- You just said he left for King’s Landing?  
\- He did.  
\- So he returned?  
\- Yes. Don’t ask me why or how, I have never asked him that myself, and he clearly did not want to discuss it.  
\- So he gave you his sword?  
\- He didn’t have a sword. He jumped there without a weapon, still weak and one-handed.  
Sam couldn’t speak for a moment.  
\- Then how did you...  
\- The man who was charged with escorting him to King’s Landing realized that if Jaime Lannister died on his watch, Roose Bolton would not have been inclined to investigate the case, he would have just had him hanged. So he started shooting arrows at the bear while the other men pulled us out. After that, Jaime said that he would not leave without me, and he didn’t.  
\- You have not told this story at the trial, - Sam said quietly.  
\- I have not told it to anyone at all before.  
\- Why?  
She shrugged.  
\- You said that when he saved you from those men after you were captured, it was not about you but about him being _a proper knight_.  
\- I did.  
\- I don’t think he would jump into a bear pit for just _any_ innocent person.  
\- He probably wouldn’t.  
\- And you became friends after that?  
Brienne shrugged again.  
\- I honestly don’t know what we became then. After I left King’s Landing, we met only twice before he came to Winterfell.  
\- Do you think he came to Winterfell because of you?  
\- I don’t know. I think he had more than one reason for that, although we talked in the Dragonpit briefly.   
\- But you vouched for him at the trial and he knighted you before the battle. If this is not friendship, I don’t know what is.  
She gave him a piercing look, then said with resolve:  
\- It was more than a friendship. In Winterfell.  
\- Oh.

They stared at the flames for a short while, then wished each other good night and fell asleep.

 

***

\- State your business! – claimed a soldier in dented armor covered in soot and filth.

\- I am Brienne of Tarth and this is Maester Samwell Tarly whom I escorted here to assist the injured. Take us to your commander.

\- What commander? – the soldier sneered at her.

\- We have been traveling for twenty days, we are tired, and I am sure Maester Tarly would like to begin his work.

\- Fine, - spat the soldier. – Follow me. No, leave your horses and the cart here.

After a long walk through what looked like a sea of tents, they heard a familiar voice.

\- How come they don’t have at least a temporary brothel yet? – yelled the voice.

\- Ser Bronn, I apologize for interrupting your conversation, - she cut in, making Bronn turn around on his heels.

\- Holy fuck, isn’t it Lady Brienne of Tarth!

\- Ser Brienne of Tarth, - she said firmly. – I brought a maester from Winterfell. Would you mind updating us on the situation?

\- Oh yes, a maester we do need, - he laughed. – Let me see, what’s new... The city’s burned, the queen is dead...

\- That’s hardly news, we got a raven twenty days ago.

\- Oh no, no, no, not that queen. The dragon one!

\- What? – she lost her composure for a moment.

\- Yep, dead as a doornail. Her beloved nephew stabbed her right in the guts.

\- Her what? – she blinked in disbelief.

\- I believe I know... – began Sam.

\- Ser Brienne, - Tyrion appeared from one of the tents. – It’s good to see you. Maester Tarly. Please do not listen to Ser Bronn, he is already drunk and hardly coherent. Jon Snow, whose real name is Aegon Targaryen, indeed, stabbed Queen Daenerys. He did not really have a choice, she... she went quite mad.

Brienne swallowed.

\- What about...

\- Let’s come into the tent, we do not need Ser Bronn eavesdropping.

She felt her legs wobble and her head spin as she followed Tyrion. As soon as they closed the drape behind them, Tyrion turned to her.

\- My brother is alive. Mainly because all he’s been talking about was that he needed to apologize to you, so when I told him you were on your way, he somehow found strength to fight. But now I’m afraid that the moment he sees you, he will apologize and... – he stopped abruptly.

\- And he will not want to live any longer, - finished Sam. – It might very well happen.

\- It won’t, - Brienne said firmly. – I won’t let him.

\- Are you sure? – Tyrion sounded concerned.

\- Yes, I am sure.

\- Fine. Let’s go see him.

\- He’s not here?

\- No, he is in one of the buildings that remained intact. Safer that way. And warmer, too, you would be surprised at how cold it can get here at night.

***

The room was tiny and very dark. Jaime was lying on a weirdly luxurious bed, likely a fellow miraculous survivor of the Red Keep collapse, seemingly unconscious. Brienne walked to his bed, sat at the edge and took his hand in hers.

\- Jaime, - she called.

He stirred.

\- Jaime, - she called again.

\- Brienne, - he exhaled and began coughing.

\- Yes, Jaime, I’m here.

\- Brienne, - he wheezed, - I must apologize...

\- No, - she said simply. – I am not going to take any apologies from the deathbed, they are meaningless. Use all the strength you have to recover and then I will let you apologize to me. Not a moment before. For now, let’s just call a truce.

He looked at her, suddenly lucid, and said, clutching her fingers:

\- You once said that you need trust to have a truce.

\- I trust you, - she responded, finality in her voice.

He went limp but his breathing got steadier, and Sam gave a slight nod to Brienne.

\- I need to have a proper look at him now, - he said.

\- We’ll be just outside the door, - she reluctantly let Jaime’s hand go and stood up. – Lord Tyrion will tell me the rest of the news.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A crisis for Jaime and an unexpected bonding for Brienne.

The room was so small that Brienne had to bundle up her bedroll and tuck it in the corner first thing every morning, before Sam would come over to see his patient. There was no fireplace in the room, but the fire in the large hall behind the wall, where soldiers slept, was kept on at night and provided enough warmth.

For the first week, Jaime was mostly delirious. She had to apply ointment to the wound in his chest three times a day, as instructed by Sam, and then leave it open for a while before bandaging. She would often have to hold Jaime during that time, preventing him from rolling in bed, or touching the wound, or pulling up the blanket, and she was always surprised at the amount of strength he still seemed to have when trying to fend her hands off him in those moments. Sam also attached a weird structure to Jaime’s left leg, to help it heal, and she had to frequently check the places in which it came in direct contact with the skin for signs of infection.

Jaime would often mumble something incoherent or shout the names. _Tyrion_ , sometimes. _Myrcella_ , quite often. _Cersei_ , much rarer than Brienne expected. _Brienne_ , most frequently. She considered it to be a sign of some level of consciousness and recognition of her almost constant presence in the room, and yet she would stroke his hair every time he shouted it.

Tyrion would visit them every day, always with a pitcher of wine and two goblets, even though he knew she would not drink a single drop of it. He would talk at length about the cleaning efforts and about the preparations for the grand convention of lords and ladies of Westeros, his new pet plan. She would have to represent the House of Tarth, of course, because Lord Selwyn is too old and frail to travel. The new Lord Baratheon seemed to be making remarkable progress in learning to read and write, even though he would spend many hours a day forging new swords and armor pieces. Yes, he agreed to take a look at the Widow’s Wail and do something about the damaged hilt. Tyrion could be unexpectedly boring when he was feeling guilty, and he was clearly feeling that way most of the time.

On her second or third night beside Jaime’s bed, a knock on the door woke her up. Bronn, less drunk than usual but still smug-looking, glanced at her unkempt bedroll, at her half-unlaced undershirt, then at unconscious Jaime on that ridiculous bed, smirked and offered his services to her ladyship _as the usual service provider seemed to be incapacitated for the time being_. Within a split second, however, he found himself on his back, Brienne’s bare hands firmly pinning his arms to the stone floor of the corridor, her right knee on the floor beside him, her left knee hovering two inches above his crotch. _One more offer like that, just one more, and the Unsullied would be happy to welcome him as one of their own_. He looked into Brienne’s eyes, the first time he was able to do so without tilting his head back, an actual long look, and his crooked smile slowly melted away. He bent his head down and apologized after she stood up and stretched her hand out to help him up too. He left but returned soon after with a bottle of mead, and they drank it together, in silence, sitting on his jerkin thrown onto the cold stone. Before leaving for the night, he suggested that he could look after Jaime for a couple of hours every day, in case she wanted to go stretch her muscles and practice her sword skills in the yard. She nodded in quiet agreement. To her surprise, he did stick to his word, and she was happy to escape the constant darkness and the foul smell of the room for a short while. Sometimes he would come at night too, always with a bottle of mead, and they would sit on his jerkin, right next to the door, so that she would hear Jaime breathing, and share the old stories of lords and swords.

One night she did not join Bronn on the jerkin. He barely knocked on the door when she threw it open and screamed at him _, she could really sound deafening at times_ , asking to fetch maester Tarly as soon as he could. No amount of cold water she poured on Jaime’s forehead and chest seemed to be helping calm down his fever. Sam took Brienne’s hand in his and said that it could be _the_ night. The night after which he would either live of die.

\- Should I send for his brother? – she asked, having sobered up at once.

\- I think it will be better if it is just you. If you think you can do it alone.

\- Of course, I can, - she bit her lip. – Thank you.

\- I think I’ll camp in the corridor, - barked Bronn and tapped her on the back. – Just in case you need something.

She nodded.

When Bronn and Sam left the room, she sat on Jaime’s bed and kept wiping him with a wet cloth until her hand went numb.

\- Jaime, - she called, - Stay with me. Please.

He suddenly opened his eyes and looked at her, then closed them so quickly she wasn’t even sure he had actually opened them and she hadn't hallucinated it, and began shaking violently. She finally realized and went so white that he would have mistaken her for a ghost had he opened his eyes again.

\- It’s not what I mean, - she cried in desperation. – Do you hear me? I just want you to live, Jaime, that’s all!

He was still shaking, covered in sweat entirely, retching and breathing in short gulps. She climbed on the bed next to him and took him in her arms, holding tightly, trying to stop the shaking, and placing light kisses onto his forehead and his hair. She did not know how long it took, but his body relaxed at last, his breathing steadied, and for the first time in days he looked as if he was asleep rather than unconscious. She pressed her lips to his forehead again. His skin was clammy but cool; the fever subsided. _He might live_ , she thought. _He might actually live_.

She carefully placed him on the pillow, climbed off the bed and walked outside to stretch her aching arms. She almost tripped over Bronn’s legs and uttered a vulgar curse.

\- Fuck me, the words you know! – she heard his astonished yet still sleepy voice. – News?

\- I think he’ll live.

\- Want me to find Tarly?

\- Later. He’s definitely asleep for now, I don’t want to wake him up.

\- You look like you’ve been in a bad fight.

\- That’s because I have, - she snapped back. – Mind looking after him if I go for a walk?

\- If you promise to bathe too, - he snorted. - You stink.

\- Yeah, if you think I stink, come in there, - she nodded towards the door.

\- Just fuck off already, - he grunted and got up. - Also, bring some food on the way back. And wine.

\- I thought you were into mead.

He opened the door into Jaime’s room and made a face.

\- With the way you cunts stink, I need something stronger.

\- Then water it is, - she scoffed. – Ah, and I forgot the chamberpot, take care of it.

He moaned.

\- I’ll shit on your bedroll if you don’t bring wine!

\- I’ll tell everyone I chopped off your cock!

\- I’m glad to see you two getting along, - Tyrion appeared at the corner, looking amused and holding his usual wine pitcher and two goblets.

\- Here is your wine! – she shouted to Bronn, gave Tyrion something that looked like a faint smile, and walked away.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving towards the end, I might need to slightly upgrade the rating.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime is slowly recovering.

\- May I join you?

Brienne turned around swiftly and looked down. The left corner of her mouth jerked up a little, her eyes lit up.

\- Of course, - she bowed her head and grasped the grip of Oathkeeper tighter.

Arya was moving quickly, as always, and Brienne suddenly thought of myriads of tiny lizards she used to watch as a child when climbing the rocky edges of Tarth. She had always been careful not to step on them, so delicate they looked to her, some of them no bigger than her pinky toe. Lizards, however, were peaceful and harmless. Barely able to follow Arya’s movements with her eyes, Brienne could almost smell the dangerous confidence emanating from the girl.

After quite a few minutes of sparring, Brienne tripped over a rock and almost lost her balance, which Arya immediately used to her advantage.

\- I yield, - said Brienne, not able to help a proud smile, and Arya took the Needle away from her neck.

\- Sorry, you are too good a fighter to go fair on you, - Arya laughed.

\- I wouldn’t go fair on you either, trust me.

\- I... I heard he will live? – Arya asked softly.

\- It seems so. I have not had a chance to thank you yet, my... Arya.

Arya chuckled.

\- Would you mind if I asked you why you decided to pull him out? I would have expected you to finish him off on the spot, to be honest.

Arya looked at her seriously.

\- It was my first instinct. I saw a glimpse of the two of them in the tunnel before it collapsed, and after the stones stopped falling, I went to... to have a look.

\- To check up on Cersei?

\- Well, yes. I would have definitely finished _her_ off if she was still alive. But she wasn’t. Then I saw his shoulder twitch, - she paused. – I thought about running my sword through him, but... You see, the Hound... he said certain things to me before he...

Arya sat on a log, legs spread wide, elbows on her knees, and clutched her fingers at the back of her neck, staring at the dirt. Brienne sat next to her and put an arm around Arya’s shoulders, much more of a gesture than a real touch.

\- He said I should not live for vengeance, it would destroy me, - Arya said at last. – So I almost went away, but then he... I think he saw me, or maybe just felt that someone was there, because I didn’t see his eyes open, and he started mumbling, and I went closer to be able to hear, and...  

\- And?

\- And he said your name, and that he was sorry, and then your name again and again. And I thought that you would probably pull him out.

\- I would, - Brienne agreed.

\- So I did.

\- But _how_ did you do it? – Brienne asked incredulously. – He is heavy. I once had to drag him out of a tub, many years ago, and it wasn’t too easy for _me_. And he was much thinner back then.

\- I am resourceful, - Arya flashed a mischievous smile. – Anyway, I am happy I was able to do this... for you.

\- Thank you, Arya. I owe you a debt.

\- You don’t. You saved my sister. You tried to save me when you thought I was in danger. Besides, I like you.

\- I like you too.

\- I think we should do this more often, - Arya waved her hand in a circle.

\- Then we will. Tomorrow, same time?

 

***

\- You are smiling, - observed Jaime when she walked into the room.

\- I trained with Arya today.

\- Tyrion said she pulled me out of the rubble.

\- You don’t remember?

\- No, - he shook his head slowly. – I tried, but it’s just blank. The last thing I remember is the stones falling and Cersei...

\- You really don’t have to stop talking every time you mention her name. It’s not what... it does not bother me. Please, continue.

\- And Cersei screaming. And then I remember your face, your eyes, kind of in a blur. You said you would not take an apology from the deathbed.

She nodded.

\- Then nothing again and then I woke up and there was Bronn next to my bed.

She nodded again.

\- That’s it. Was it two days ago? Three?

\- Four. Where is Tyrion, by the way? He was supposed to be here while I was training.

\- He had a meeting or something. He left just a short while ago, and I do not really seem to be dying anymore.

\- Who knew that Ser Bronn of the Blackwater would be more reliable than your brother, - she frowned.

\- Who knew he can ever treat a woman with respect he has for you? I was deeply impressed.

\- Well, we had... a conversation.

\- Then I’m impressed he still has a full set of teeth.

She snorted.

\- I have been thinking... – after a pause, Brienne looked at him appraisingly.

\- Yes?

\- You need a proper bath and we need to clean this bed thoroughly.

\- I would very much appreciate it, to be honest. I don’t know how _you_ manage to sleep in here.

\- Well, I... – she bit her lip. – I talked to Maester Tarly, and he thinks we can do it, but he insists on being present. And we’ll also need Bronn and perhaps more men to carry you. I understand it can’t be pleasant but...

\- But it’s much better than lying here in my own filth, - he said quietly and sniffed. – May I ask you to not... participate?

\- But that’s ridiculous, I’ve...

\- Please, - he was truly pleading. – Please.

\- Fine. Tomorrow morning, so that we would have enough time to clean the room too. I’ll talk to Ser Bronn.

\- Will he come to drink with you in the corridor again tonight?

\- I thought you were asleep.

\- I didn’t want to bother you, you seemed to be having a good time.

\- We were, - she replied simply. – Not in the way you are trying to imply though.

\- Forgive me.

\- It’s fine. Now you have to forgive me, because I shall take care of your chest wound.

\- Of course.

She slowly removed the bandage and looked at the wound, holding the candle directly above it.

\- Seems to be healing well.

She washed her hands carefully and dipped them in warm wine. Then she took the jar from the makeshift nightstand Bronn made for her after their first drinking night and began to apply the ointment using just the tips of her fingers. Jaime winced.

\- Does it hurt?

\- Itches, rather.

\- But it _is_ working. I remember the way it looked when I first saw it, it was horrifying.

\- Why are you doing this, Brienne?

\- I told you, Sam gave me the instructions.

\- No, I mean... all of this. I...

\- Stop now.

\- Is it because you think you owe me something? Because you don’t.

\- Jaime, - she straightened her back. – First of all, I do. But it’s not that. I do think we need a long and honest conversation. And we will have it, I promise. But it will be painful and difficult, and you are sick and I am tired. We are not ready for it. Please, let’s just live day by day for now.

He nodded slowly.

\- Want any water?

\- Please.

She poured water into a goblet and held his head while he was drinking.

 

***

\- Brienne! Brienne! – his voice dragged her out of the sticky darkness, but she couldn’t stop shivering.

\- What is it? – she asked, almost choking on a clot of fear in her throat.

\- You were screaming.

\- Forgive me, it must have been a bad dream.

\- Tell me.

\- It was... I think I was running down a corridor, the corridor here, but it was full of... – she swallowed, - full of the dead. Like in Winterfell.

\- Come here.

\- No, thank you. I’m fine, really.

\- You are not. I know the dream, believe me, and I know you are not fine. Come, the bed is clean.

\- I know it’s clean. It’s not...

\- Brienne, please. I know what it is. But I also know this dream, I’ve been there. Have you ever been able to fall asleep after it when you were alone?

\- No, - she whispered.

\- Come here.

She slowly got up and sat on the edge of Jaime’s bed.

\- Lie down, - he commanded softly and moved closer to the wall, still on his back. – I wish I could hold you. I can’t. But I can hold your hand.

She lied on her back, her right foot brushing against the wooden structure on Jaime’s leg. He gently took her hand in his, stroking it with his thumb.

\- We are not dead, Brienne, - he whispered. – Close your eyes and try to sleep.

Whether it was the soothing rhythm of Jaime’s breath, or the warmth of his shoulder next to hers, or the feeling of his thumb caressing her skin, but she did fall asleep.

She thanked him in the morning, before bundling up her bedroll, and was grateful that he didn’t respond. He did not invite her into his bed the following night, and she was grateful for that too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime continues to recover, Brienne is asked to be the Lord Commander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning a 6-chapter fic. However, I did not plan well enough, so this is not the final chapter yet, I need a little more development before the end.

\- Bran Stark, - she said, putting a tray with food and wine on the nightstand.

\- Bran Stark...what? – asked Jaime and plunked himself onto the bed with a grunt, the crutch falling on the floor.

\- Bran Stark is our new King.

\- Is this a joke? – disbelief in his voice.

\- No. Bran the Broken, King of the Six Kingdoms.

\- Six?

\- No Wardens of the North anymore.

\- So, Sansa the Queen?

\- This is my understanding, yes. Not yet though, she can only be crowned there, in the North, with _her people_ present.

\- _Her_ I understand. She has always wanted to be queen, since the time she was betrothed to Joffrey. But I thought Bran would not be interested in ruling.

A rare smile appeared on Brienne’s lips.

\- His Hand will do most of that, I assume.

\- Don’t tell me it’s going to be Arya Stark.

\- Gods, no. She would never agree to that. Your brother.

\- What?!

\- Your brother is now the Hand of the King.

\- Tyrion? After being the Hand to Daenerys?

\- Bran wanted him.

\- What about the Council?

\- It will take time. There is only one candidate for the Grand Maester position, but it will take time to appoint the others.

\- But they should have appointed the Lord Commander immediately.

\- The position has been offered to me, - she said quietly.

\- Brienne, - he gasped. – Wait, _offered_? You did not agree?

\- Not yet. I will perform the duties that come with the position temporarily, because the safety of the King must be ensured as soon as possible, but...

\- But?

\- I am sworn to Sansa Stark, not to the Stark family.

\- Can’t Sansa release you from the oath?

\- She can and she said she would, if I accept the position.

\- So?

\- I am not sure it would be the right thing to do.

\- You would rather go back to Winterfell and command the Queensguard, wouldn’t you?

She shot a fiery look at him.

\- I don’t know why you find it so amusing.

\- Not amusing. It’s just... Being the Lord Commander of the Seven... pardon me, Six Kingdoms is the highest possible honor for a knight. I do not know any other knight who would even consider refusing it.

\- Well...

\- But you are staying here for now?

\- Yes. And I... I knighted Pod today. He will follow Lady Sansa back to Winterfell now.

\- You have taught him well.

\- He was a good learner.

\- I did not regret not attending the convention but it is a pity I could not see how you knighted him. He must have been so proud.

\- He was, - she smiled, openly and beautifully. – Now tell me about you.

\- Three steps. Not an exciting day at all.

\- Quite exciting, I would say. May I remind you that even one step was too difficult a week ago.

\- Brienne...

\- I must leave you again, I’m afraid, we have a meeting with your brother and His Grace.

\- You won’t even eat?

\- No. Please do not wait for me to go to bed, I might be back late.

\- I _live_ in this bed, Brienne, - he spat, angrily.

She looked at him, not sure what she could say, nodded him goodbye and left.

 

***

He was asleep when she returned, the blanket up to his neck, and, judging by the visible arm-shaped bulge, hugging a pillow. She was already shivering from the walk from the Red Keep in only linen clothes under the metal of her armor, when, to her horror, she realized that the fire in the hall behind the wall had long faded. The soldiers must have gotten too drunk celebrating and forgot to add the wood.

It took her longer than usual to take her armor off, her fingers numb with cold. She unbundled her bedroll, crawled under the piece of northern fur she used as a blanket and curled up into a ball. It did not help; the stone floor was too cold and the old bedroll too thin. The solution seemed as simple as it felt unbearable. She had to, it was the only way to avoid unpleasant consequences of sleepless shivering through the night. But shouldn’t she wake him up first? Ask for permission? She did not want to break his sleep, but she could not just climb into his bed so that he could assume Gods know what when he wakes up and sees her there.

\- Jaime, - she called softly.

He stirred and turned around.

\- Brienne? Have you just come back?

\- Yes. I’m afraid I... I must ask if you could share your bed with me tonight.

\- What happened? – he sat up, the blanket falling to his lap.

\- The soldiers must have let the fire die. It’s almost freezing on the floor.

\- Of course, I... – he moved towards the wall, freeing more space for her. – Gods, you are shaking!

\- A little bit, - she took the fur off the floor and put it over Jaime’s blanket. – Thank you.

\- You know what, we should switch places. Move to the wall.

\- Why?

\- You’ll get warm there faster.

He moved to the edge of the bed. She carefully climbed over him and immediately felt the delightful warmth of the sheets and the pillow on which Jaime had been sleeping just a moment ago. She burrowed her face into the pillow and felt his smell on it. And then she felt his arm slide around her waist and his chest press into her back. Brienne stiffened.

\- What are you doing? – she asked angrily.

\- You know bloody well what I am doing.

\- Jaime...

\- Are you afraid of me? – he asked suddenly.

\- What? No, of course not.

\- I know you don’t trust me, and you probably will never trust me again, but please believe me now. I am not trying to... I am just making sure you are warm. And I’m also going to suggest that you tuck your feet between my ankles.  

She did not respond and did not move. Then she heard a deep sigh and felt Jaime move away from her.

\- Forgive me, I will not touch you again, if it disgusts you, - he said in a low voice.

It took her a few moments to collect her thoughts and make a decision.

\- Forgive me too, Jaime. It’s not about trust. It’s not about disgust either.

\- Then what is it about?

\- You know what.

\- I truly don’t.

\- It’s about the way your touch makes me feel, - she said quietly, almost in a whisper.

\- Brienne...

\- Don’t say anything, please.

\- You are still shaking; I can see it. And you don’t even let me help.

\- Fine. I do. Please help me, - she murmured.

He hugged her again, so warm and strong and soft, trying to breathe into her neck evenly. She could _almost_ pretend they were still in Winterfell.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Podrick arrives in King's Landing and brings unexpected news.

He was still holding her when she woke up. It felt warm, and soft, and comfortable, and his unsteady breathing on her neck told her he was already awake. Brienne briefly considered pretending to be asleep so that she could stay in his arms a little longer, but it would be too embarrassing if he noticed, so she slowly turned inside his embrace to face him and opened her eyes. Jaime blinked, confused and elated at the same time.

\- Have you slept well? – he asked, staring directly into her blue eyes.

\- Yes, and I must thank you for that.

\- It was truly my pleasure.

\- Your bed is soft, - she smiled, or rather slightly moved the corners of her lips upwards.

\- You are always welcome to sleep on it.

\- I shall not get into the habit of being too comfortable, this bed is for lords and ladies, not for knights.

\- Aren’t you the Lady Commander?

\- I think it is still Lord Commander, officially.

\- You said that this bed suits the lords too.

\- I am only performing the duties for now, I have not assumed the position.

\- And in order to perform these duties well, you should sleep well.

\- Have you slept well when you were the Lord Commander?

\- Gods, no, - he chuckled. – Too many worries, only getting out of bed in the morning was harder than falling asleep.

\- Well, _that_ I can certainly relate to, - she smiled again. – But get out of bed I must.

He instinctively pulled her closer to him, bodies touching fully, lips barely an inch apart. He swallowed, not breaking eye contact.

\- I want to kiss you, Brienne. I’m _dying_ to kiss you. But I know I don’t have the right go first this time, it must be you.

\- I probably won’t be able to get up at all if I do, - she stroked his shoulder gently.

\- Does this mean that....

\- No, - she slowly shook her head. – At least not tonight. I am not ready. Please believe me, I am not trying to play with you, I am just not ready.

\- I understand, - he nodded and lifted his arm off her. – And thank you for... for this.

\- Thank you too. Don’t forget to walk today.

\- I won’t, - he promised.

 

***

Weeks passed. Jaime was already able to walk with a cane, though stopping for a rest after every ten steps, and could spend most of his time outside of their dark cellar of a room. Jaime did not dare ask if Brienne was planning to move to the Red Keep that had been almost entirely rebuilt and redecorated. Brienne was the one to oversee the works, so the interiors were far from luxurious but looked full or light and air. She had the taste of an islander, Jaime thought when he first visited the Keep. She worked from early morning till late at night, daily, stubbornly, but always returned from the spacious Round Room to her bedroll on the floor of the tiny windowless chamber. People were talking behind her back, but she did not show concern.

They were both fast asleep when an urgent knock on the door disturbed the sticky silence of the southern night.

Brienne took a knife from under her ragged pillow and opened the door.

\- Pod! – she gasped. – What happened? What are you doing here?

\- Don’t you worry, everyone is alive, Her Grace is alive. But... I shall better come in.

\- Please, - she let him past her. – I’m afraid we do not have much space here, do sit on the bed.

Podrick looked at Jaime with a complex expression of judgment, contempt, and mild disgust and shook his head.

\- I’ll stand. Ser Brienne, I must tell you something important and _confidential_.

Podrick deliberately stressed the last word and shot a glance at Jaime who was sitting in his bed, fully awake now and looking as if he had been punched in the stomach.

\- If you give me a few minutes and my cane, I will go for a walk, - said Jaime in a low voice.

\- This is not necessary, - firmly replied Brienne. – Ser Jaime has my trust, Pod, you may speak now.

\- As you wish, Ser, - he bowed. – It’s Her Grace. For the two weeks before my departure, she had not been eating almost at all, she had not been sleeping, she had been crying a lot, and she would barely leave her room during the day. I tried to ask her questions, I tried to offer help, but she would not talk to me. She would say that my duty was to guard her from her enemies, and I should make sure there were none of those in Winterfell, and then she would dismiss me.

\- Have you tried talking to her maids?

\- Of course. I mean, I would not have known the not sleeping and crying parts without them. But she would not talk to them either. I think... I think she needs a friend.

\- Why do you think so?

\- She is alone in Winterfell. Her brother is the King, her other brother is in Castle Black, her sister is Gods know where, and you are here in King’s Landing. Even Gend... Lord Baratheon left Winterfell, and Maester Tarly. I couldn’t write it all on paper, could I? So I volunteered to bring more medical supplies here myself, but really I came to ask you to return to Winterfell. I think you are the only friend she has who actually can come.

Brienne nodded slowly, absorbing the news.

\- I shall go to Winterfell then, but we will talk more about it tomorrow. Have you been assigned a place to sleep?

\- No, Ser. I was told to just wait until tomorrow. I’ll be fine in the corridor.

\- I know what the journey from Winterfell feels like, you need proper sleep. There is enough space for two on Ser Jaime’s bed.

\- No! – he sounded angry. – You may trust him again, I don’t.

\- You really don’t need trust to...

\- I said no.

\- It’s bloody ridiculous! – she snapped. – Pod, on my bedroll, now. Jaime, move.

Podrick opened his mouth to say something but closed it and nodded grumpily as soon as he caught Brienne’s fiery look.

\- Need help with the straps? – she asked, a hint of apology in her voice, and began untying his spaulders before he could respond. – Nice armor, by the way. Is it a direwolf on the breastplate? It’s too dark in here.

\- Yes, - he smiled. - It was a gift from Lady... from Her Grace. She asked Lord Baratheon to forge it for me himself.

He removed the remaining pieces of the armor and almost fell on Brienne’s bedroll. Within a few moments, he was snoring.

\- I apologize for his behavior, - said Brienne quietly, pulling Jaime’s blanket over herself.

\- Please don’t. We both know he has a reason to hate me. He cares for you deeply, Brienne.

\- I know, but... – she did not finish the sentence.

\- How soon do you think you will leave?

\- As soon as possible. But I can’t leave before the new Lord Commander is appointed, of course.

\- Can I follow you?

\- No, you cannot. If what Podrick said is true and Sansa needs me as... as person to trust...

\- As a friend.

\- Perhaps. If that is the case, I must be there alone, my attention devoted to her only. Remember, she has not released me from the vow yet, and it is good that she hasn’t.

\- I still have apologies to make. You said that we would talk once I got better. We never did.

\- Then we will do it tomorrow night.

\- May I? – Jaime asked hopefully.

\- No. You know we’ll fall asleep like that, and Pod...

\- You are right, - he sighed and turned to the wall, his stump under his cheek.

Brienne kissed his shoulder, just a quick and tender touch of the lips, turned onto her left side, pressing her back to Jaime’s, and smiled.

 

***

\- I’m leaving, - she whispered into Jaime’s ear, awkwardly bending over him in her bulky armor. – Let him sleep for now and then send him to the Keep.

\- Mmm, - he murmured sleepily.

\- I lit a candle for you, don’t knock it over.

The door closed with a quiet thump.

Podrick stirred on the floor.

\- My lady? – he mumbled.

\- Left just a moment ago, - replied Jaime. – You will find her in the Red Keep.

\- Is the sun out already? – Podrick sat up on the bedroll, shaking the sleep away.

\- You never know in this room, but I don’t think so.

\- Ser Jaime, I... apologize for being rude to you yesterday but...

\- I understand. No need to apologize.

\- But you’ll have to hear me out, - he ignored Jaime’s response and continued. – She woke me up at dawn and took me out for practice. As she always did. She said that you had left only when I asked if you would be joining us. She had already told Lady Sansa by then, of course. She looked fine, she behaved as she usually did, but I was still worried, so I followed her to her chamber at night. She did not _even notice_. She collapsed, just fell to the floor, and her skin was burning, and she was vomiting. I wanted to call Maester Tarly, but she asked me not to, and she didn’t let me call Lady Sansa either. So I just brought cold water and towels and did what I could. She didn’t even stay in bed the next day, she went on with her duties. Nobody knows about that night, except me and her, of course. But she trusts me enough that she never actually made me swear to keep it a secret, so I thought you should know too.

Jaime swallowed, unable to speak.

\- She told me, later, that you had to leave, because the Queen was your sister and you could not bear a thought of her dying alone. I don’t know if it was true or not, but I do know that _she_ could have died that night, alone. I still wake up at night sometimes when I dream about not following her and just coming to see her next day and finding... – his voice broke. – Well. I better be going. I don’t think I need to wear my armor today, do I? I’ll just leave it here.

The thump of the door was quite loud, and it made Jaime shudder.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is the final chapter.

\- Have you been in all day? – she asked incredulously as she saw Jaime sitting on his unmade bed.

\- Yes, - he replied in a dull voice. – I’ve been... thinking.

She frowned.

\- Has Pod said anything? Has he insulted you?

\- He hasn’t insulted me, no. But he told me...

\- Gods, - she groaned. – I should have made him swear.

\- It’s good that you didn’t. Brienne, - he slid off the bed, onto his knees, with a slight wince. – I must apologize. For everything.

She closed the door behind her and leaned onto it, arms folded across her chest.

\- For everything?

\- Yes.

\- For jumping into the bear pit to save me?

He blinked in surprise.

\- Of course not.

\- For giving me new armor and your own sword?

\- No! You know what I’m talking about.

\- But I don’t. What _exactly_ are you apologizing for?

\- For... – he couldn’t look up at her, - for bringing you dishonor.

\- What kind of dishonor, may I ask? – she asked icily.

\- You _know_ what kind. The lady’s honor.

\- Are you saying that you were taking me for a fucking _lady_? – ice in her voice turned into fire instantly.

\- You spend too much time with Bronn, judging by your word choices, - he was staring at the floor.

\- Don’t you dare take my choices away from me, Ser Jaime Lannister. _Any_ of my choices. You may apologize for the things _you_ have done. Don’t apologize for the things we are equally responsible for.

\- Very well, - he took in a deep breath. – I apologize for leaving you.

\- Perhaps we should go for a walk, - she said suddenly.

\- A walk?

\- Yes. It is too dark in here and you have not been outside all day. Get up.

She offered him her hand and helped him off the floor. They slowly walked down the corridor, into the street, and then towards the pier. They found a rock to sit on, and it took Jaime some time to rest before he could speak again.

\- I haven’t asked you about your day yet.

She nodded.

\- I talked to His Grace. He did... whatever it is that he does, but he confirmed what Podrick had told us. He gave me permission to leave for Winterfell on the morrow but he said that I must return and resume my position afterwards, even though I reminded him that I have not even accepted it yet.

\- Who will be the Lord Commander?

She chuckled.

\- No! – he exclaimed.

\- Yes. Besides, he volunteered.

\- He is the Master of Coins.

\- He’ll be both for a while.

\- He is a sellsword!

\- He is the lord of the Highgarden, thanks to your brother.

\- You trust him?

\- Yes, - she said after a pause. – Yes, I trust him.

\- Has anyone told you that you have a gift of turning men into better people?

\- What are you talking about? – she looked at him in amusement.

\- You’ve made a great knight from a hopelessly bad squire, your mere presence in the Council makes my brother drink less, and now Bronn is volunteering to do extra work.

\- And what about you? – she asked softly.

\- I failed, - he said simply. – You gave me a chance to become a better man and I failed. When Podrick told me...

\- Don’t, - she stopped him. – Now _I_ want to tell you a story. When I left Renly’s camp with Lady Catelyn, I didn’t do it to avoid death. If there was a moment in my life when I wanted to die on the spot, it was then, because I felt that his death was my fault and my failure. Until that moment, the sole purpose of my life had been serving and protecting him. But Lady Catelyn gave me a new purpose. “You can’t avenge him, if you are dead,” she told me.

\- “You need to live to take revenge,” you told me when... you remember when.

\- I do, - she smiled lightly. – I was passing on what I considered to be a good advice at the time. Anyway, afterwards I pledged to serve Lady Catelyn, but I also swore to myself to avenge Renly. To kill Stannis Baratheon.

\- And so you did, as I have heard.

\- I did. But you have not heard _at what price._ Lady Sansa was in Winterfell, married to Ramsay Bolton who was doing unspeakable things to her. She was in constant danger, the only reason she was alive was that she had not given him a child yet. I managed to send a message through, and I was waiting for her signal when I learned that Stannis was there, in the woods. I had to make a decision. I chose to honor the vow I gave to myself rather than the one I gave to Lady Catelyn. I chose my past over Sansa’s future.

\- But Sansa’s alive.

\- Thanks to Theon Greyjoy and her own courage.

\- Haven’t you killed the Bolton men in pursuit?

\- Sheer luck. They were sent to catch two weaponless and starved people; they were not expecting to fight anyone at all. Besides, we were lucky to even find them on time, before they froze to death or were captured.

\- Pod has not told me that.

\- Because he is loyal to me. But he knows it was the result of my decision earlier. My _selfish_ decision, for the oath of the Kingsguard does not include revenge. Also, by killing Stannis, I actually helped him. Left there alive, he would have been taken prisoner by Ramsay Bolton, and Ramsay Bolton would not have killed him instantly, as I did.

\- He would have tortured him.

\- He would. Because of my decision, because I could not let go of my past when I should have, Stannis got a quick and clean death, and Sansa lost her chance at freedom.  

\- Brienne, - he looked at her, wide-eyed. – Why are you telling me this?

\- Because you think too highly of me. Because you think I cannot understand. I have made mistakes, Jaime, and I do understand. I understand why you felt that you had to leave, perhaps not entirely, but enough not to see it as simply choosing another woman over me, - she paused. – There is only one thing I do not understand. Why did you say what you said to me?

\- So that you would see me for who I am. I wanted you to know that _you_ were not the reason I was leaving, that _I_ wasn’t worth your respect and your... affection.

\- Has anyone ever told you that you are an utter idiot?

\- My father, my sister, and my brother. Bronn, too.

\- Add me to the list then. You are an idiot. Those words, as I heard them, meant that I failed again. I vouched for you, I said that you were an honorable man and therefore you were not like your sister. I never vouched for you being strong enough to sacrifice your family to make the world a better place, I never expected any such thing from you. But I thought you respected me enough to not sneak out without a word, and when I caught you in the act, to _not_ say that you were just as hateful as your sister.

\- You were touching me.

\- What?

\- You used your strongest weapon. I had to use my strongest weapon too, or I would not have been able to leave.

The sun was almost down, the last flickers of red dancing on top of the lazy waves.

\- Are you leaving early tomorrow?

\- Yes, at dawn. Pod promised to ready the horses and everything, so that I could... – she looked at his lips and blushed, embarrassed by giving herself away so easily.

\- And then what? When you return, will you have me?

\- No, Jaime. Not like that.

\- Why? You know I love you. You know there is nothing in my past to drag me away from you now. You know that all I want is to be with you, to be near you until my last breath.

\- That’s why, - she said softly. – I am not your sister.

\- Of course, you aren’t! I can’t imagine anyone more different from my sister than you are.

\- And yet you seem to have just replaced her with me as an object of your blind devotion. What about things _you_ may want?

\- Like what?

\- I don’t know. A wife. Children.

\- I can have all of this with you.

\- But you can’t. I told you I am not a lady; I have never been one. I don’t want to be a wife and I don’t want to bear children. I want to be the Lord Commander, although I would prefer the Queensguard in the North.

\- Don’t you want _me_ as well?

\- I do. As a fellow soldier, as a friend, as... a lover.

\- You know what they would be saying.

\- Who, soldiers? They called me the Kingslayer’s whore in Winterfell, and even before that, it’s nothing new. People whose opinions matter have not and will not call me that.

\- Fine. Then I can be a fellow soldier, a friend, and a lover to you.

\- While secretly wanting to have children and to finally be able to openly show affection to the woman you love? Because I will not be able to give it to you.

\- What are you suggesting then?

\- Go somewhere. Live on your own. Think about the things you truly want and need to be happy. If you meet a woman you like, marry her. Return to me, if you finally decide that the life I described suits you.

\- Won’t _you_ miss me?

\- I miss you every night as I lay on my stupid bedroll on the floor, - she shrugged.

\- Then why the fuck do you keep sleeping on it?

\- Because I know my weaknesses and your weaknesses, Jaime.

\- So what you are saying is that every night we can’t fall asleep because I am thinking about you, and you are thinking about me, while there is just a few feet between us. You accuse me of my proclivity to blind devotion. That may be true. But what about you? You just said it’s important to know what you want and what you don’t want in life. You want to be a knight; you don’t want to be a mother. Fine. But you also said that you _do_ want me in your life. Then why are you insisting on me finding someone else and getting married?

\- I told you...

\- So you _do_ want to decide what is better for me, but somehow I am the one who wants you to play my sister.

She blinked at him.

\- I haven’t thought about that.

\- Please do. In the meantime, let’s go back to our room, it seems that there is something we both want to do there.

\- Jaime! – she blushed more intensely than before.

\- What? Having people talk behind your back about us sleeping together is fine but having us talk about it face to face is not? – now he was clearly teasing her, something he had not done in years, and it felt strangely pleasant.

\- You’ll be too tired by the time we get there, - she snarked back.

\- Then you’ll have to lead, Ser Brienne, and I will be happy to serve under your command, - a full-blown Lannister smile.

She stood up, tall and glorious, her chin up and armor shining.

\- Follow me, Ser, - she said firmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments will be appreciated, I enjoy a good discussion.


End file.
